Driving on Parkways
A story of hope
NEW YORK CITYVOICES: April/June 2004
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By Linda Maxine Weintraub I truly believe that I was born a nervous patient. As I grew up with fear I cautiously watched others being happy. My fearful existence seemed to be forever with me, as a form of punishment that I never clearly understood.
What was my fear? It existed all day, every day. This fear kept me locked up in a web of imaginary terror. Whatever I would do�whether in school or at home�I feared that it was wrong. There was no self-reliance or trusting my basic functions. Afraid of doing or saying anything wrong, I developed a severe case of self-consciousness and began to stutter. I lived with mild agoraphobia as a child, watching out the windows and thinking about how terrible I was.
I barely survived postpartum depression in my early 20s. My illness continued to develop, peaking in my 40s. By that time, I was quite dysfunctional. It required many hours of prolonged agonized efforts to get out of bed. On the job, work became a blur, and intense palpitations darkened ordinary activities.
Twenty pounds slipped from my already slim frame. I cried most of the time. I was afraid of living. After a brief respite generated by therapy and medication, I had a second nervous breakdown. Suicidal, I was close to hospitalization when a friend took me to a Recovery, Inc. meeting.
I can clearly recall my first few meetings. My eyes remained downcast and I was not able to understand what was being said. My fears took over my ability to comprehend the readings or "spottings." Fearful, I tried hard to anticipate my part of the reading. I worried that my voice muscles would become numb and meaningless utterances, not words. It was torture. Yet, I managed to stay. I was desperate.
Many months passed before my symptoms mellowed. Sure, the old fears were with me. Yet, somehow they were not all that I focused on. I was tired of being sick and truly longed for peace of mind. So I practiced with ruthless determination. Weekly meetings and five-minute phone calls became my new way of life.
To me, it was amazing that one day�after so much "lip service"�I came to the realization that my symptoms were DISTRESSING, NOT DANGEROUS. Life gradually became more bearable. Now there were tools that I could use in my newly found life that allowed me the courage to do the things that I hated and FEARED to do!
Before Recovery, I FEARED:
- DRIVING on parkways: Now I take four different ones just to get to dance classes!! I am capable. I trust myself.
- HAVING SMALL DINNER PARTIES: I now know that I can be a good hostess. I now have self-satisfaction.
- ADMITTING THAT I've made a mistake: Who wants to be like a machine? I am not perfect and no longer think of myself as exceptional.
- SAYING "NO": I respect my limitations and have acquired humility.
- DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO: My own inner approval means much more to me than what the outer environment thinks. That's a new freedom for me.
- DISCOMFORT: Now I know that I can bear it. Comfort is a want, not a need.
- THE SETBACK: It is inevitable and part of the illness. I am not to blame. What a good chance to practice.
- FEAR no longer leads my life. I now make decisions on what is best for my mental health, for no other reason then it is my SUPREME goal.
Editor's Note: For more information on Recovery, Inc., please visit www.recovery-inc.org. Recovery, Inc's NYC office, 2043 East 64th Street, Brooklyn, NY 11234, (718) 241-2220, Area Leader Anthony Ferrigno.
Reprinted from www.Recovery-Inc.org
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