Church Power Tried to Repress my Sexuality
NEW YORK CITYVOICES: Summer 2005
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By Eric Jackson A recent cover article in The Advocate, a national LGBT magazine, exposed the Mormon Church's anti-gay politics along with examples of gay Mormons driven to suicide and other traumatic events when religion and homosexuality don't reconcile. In 1980, at the age of 17, I converted to the Mormon faith. One year later, after being taught incessantly that I needed to marry a woman, I went up to one of the missionaries and to my bishop and told them that yes I wanted to get married�to another man. This was 1981 when there wasn't too much talk of gay marriage.
Being a sexually repressed gay youth brought with it depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, unhappiness and a sense that my life wasn't worth living. This is common in many gay youth who lack community support. Since I was reaching 19, my church leaders told me that I needed to be un-selfish and become a full-time missionary. I did just that.
Within four months of my full-time mission, I swallowed a bottle of pills as a reaction to the strong gay feelings that persisted in my life. When I told my mission president about this he arranged for me to meet with a Mormon therapist. For almost two years, he tried to teach me that gay people always ended up being alone in old age because they were too selfish and self-centered to take care of seniors in their youth. He said they ended up becoming pedophiles, that they had no place in heaven or in God's plan�producing hundreds of bible passages to prove this�and he ominously acknowledged that I was going to have to fight my gay feelings for life. If I remained abstinent or if I married a woman and had children, he said things would be okay.
When I finished my mission I was more depressed and hopeless than when I started, but I continued reparative therapy. I went to a Mormon hypnotherapist who assured me that through hypnosis I would be able to defeat my homosexuality. After many sessions that included seeing nude pictures and incomplete masturbation sessions, I was still as gay as ever. It was suggested to try aversive electroshock therapy, but I decided against it. The idea of sending electric shocks into my brain, or possibly my genitals, gave me the creeps.
In 1984, when I was 22-years-old, and with the help of a former missionary, I was able to say, "I am gay and that's it!" It was a definite step on a very long and traumatic coming-out process, but a coming-out nonetheless. I felt empowered and in charge of my life for the first time.
I believe that all religious groups should lead its gay youth into gay-affirmative services that will help them accept their gay orientation. To promote the destruction of our gay identity is an outline for tragedy, trouble and for a deadly dissolution of our very souls.
I am now 43 years old and have lived a gay life since that day in 1984 when I came out of the closet and stopped being a member of the Mormon Church. And for the last eleven years I have been in a relationship with my male partner. There is indeed a God that loves us after all.
Editor's Note: Eric Jackson is an author and peer specialist. He can be reached at [email protected].
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