Why Would Anyone
Want to Cut Themselves?NEW YORK CITYVOICES: November/December 2001
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By Kurt Douglas Sass
About 12 years ago, I remember watching a television talk show hosted by Phil Donohue. On this particular show his guests were all people who cut their own bodies on purpose. Although at that time I had been suffering with bouts of Severe Depression on and off for about 10 years, I specifically remember telling my wife ”I just don’t get it. Why would anyone do that to themselves?”
Fast forward 10 years. I am going through the most severe Depression I’ve ever experienced. Every moment of the day is spent lying in bed with thoughts of how I am the most horrible person on the face of the earth and why don’t I have the guts to just end it all.
All of a sudden, without any prior thought or planning, one day I just walked over to the medicine cabinet, found a razor blade, and proceeded to cut my thigh. Although the cut was about 4 inches in length, it was just deep enough to draw a few droplets of blood. After a few seconds the pain started. And it felt good. The physical pain of the open skin was actually overriding the emotional pain of the depression.
The problem is, this physical pain fades in only 10-15 seconds and the emotional pain returns. Realizing this, I proceeded to cut myself again and again. On my worst day I actually cut my thigh over 70 times. Fortunately, as my depression began to fade over time, so did the cutting.. I got to the point where the cutting had stopped completely.
A few weeks later, I was thumbing through the Directory of Self-Help Groups in New York City Guide to Mutual Support Groups and to my surprise came across a Support Group for people like myself who purposely cut themselves called Self-Mutilators Anonymous. Although I was not presently engaging in such behavior, I knew how tempted I would be when my next cycle of deep depression hit, so I was hoping to gain some information by attending a few meetings and use this information as ammunition the next time I felt the need to cut.
These meetings really opened my eyes to some important facts. The first thing I learned was that when I cut myself I was not getting the feelings of excitement, pleasure or joy, but just a sense of relief, as brief as it was, from the deep depression.
More importantly, I learned just how harmful and destructive an act I was engaging in. I had thought that since I was not cutting very deep into my skin there was no danger at all. Through the meetings I discovered that any cut at all can lead to infection even uncontrolled loss of blood, especially if you cut yourself numerous times or accidentally cut too deep.
Thanks to these meetings, and a lot of determination on my part, the next major depression I went through I was able to cut my cutting (pardon the pun) down 90% and I have not cut myself at all during the last 3 major depressive episodes. When I look at the scars on my thigh now I don’t feel guilty about my past actions, but rather a sense of pride for being able to stop.
For information on the Self-Mutilators Anonymous Support Group, please contact the New York City Self-Help Center at 212-586-5770.
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