Personal Story: Out Of ControlNEW YORK CITYVOICES: November/December 2001
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By Dave Andyes
I began hallucinating about eight years ago, around the age of seventeen. I remember sitting on my grandfather’s steps in New Jersey scared to look at the Christmas lights in the neighborhood because they would distort and turn into pentagrams circling the doorway. I thought that I was still hallucinating from the LSD I was into when I was fourteen, but the hallucinations were worsening and I was obsessing about the Bible. I remember sitting in a friend’s car, a lady friend was talking and her voice sounded like she was under water. I was scared of the insanity I knew I was going through so, after being abstinent from alcohol and drugs for a while, I began to drink again to escape the nightmare. I became very nasty then and a hatred for God became dominant in my life.
Just before my anger got out of control I began seeing a counselor, but I still did not feel like it was helping. I felt like I had to become a Catholic priest because my first love and I had parted and were not talking anymore. I was frightened of never finding another intimate relationship yet I prayed for the chance of death by martyrdom. I began seeing mental images of wars and violence and it scared me. I began to wonder what I was capable of. I did not know what to do or who to turn to. I believed that my first love would come back to me and that she would understand everything I was going through.
I began working in a factory and it was enjoyable at times, but it was very hard dealing with people who were not happy with their jobs. After about seven months of working there I took a little vacation to my hometown in California. In seeing my old friends, my goals changed. I saw the way they were and wanted to live like them. The problem was they were into Methamphetamines. I had no interest in using drugs but I began acting as if I was. I felt like I found a new freedom in my state of mind. I was wild and acted as hard as I could. Needless to say my family was not appreciative of my behavior and I was soon hospitalized.
I was non-compliant for a little while because I was so dead set against taking medicine, but then I began taking Haldol. I was soon getting compliments, learning how to communicate more tolerantly and I was beginning to have fun with friends. However I was very self-conscious of the tremors I was experiencing so I stopped taking Haldol. I soon began acting out with wild behavior and was hospitalized again. I was forced to take medicine, which I am grateful for today and things went pretty well for a while.
I began experiencing side effects once again and I was getting resentful of society for its tendency to gossip and for the problems with oil and technology. I stopped taking the Risperdal that was prescribed to me. I began attending church and was fascinated by talk of visions being a gift from God. I began seeking visions out with my mind's eye. I quit driving because I started to believe that the visions of angels that I saw did not want automobiles on the road. I began to walk for hours and shout out in protest to people. I would rationalize my own behavior and flip strangers the bird. I thought that the only obscenity was within one’s mind and people should express these so-called inappropriate gestures to see them for what they truly are. A finger is a gift from god and should not be viewed as an insult. Words can mean what one is enlightened to experience with their imagination’s ability.
Needless to say people either did not agree or did not understand. I became angry, hostile and paranoid that people were talking about me behind my back so I moved out to upstate New York. My imagination was getting the better of me and I was seeing visions of God telling me to kill myself. There were dragons, demons, angels and a bunch of negative fantasies unparalleled with reality. In my protest against cars I was walking on a highway going west thinking I was going north when a large policewoman stopped me. She told me to get off the highway. I didn’t, but being smaller than her — one hundred thirty pounds from not eating right — she threw me in the car and brought me to a hospital.
Since that time about three years ago I’ve taken my medicine and started school at a community college where my grade point average was about 3.5 and I got along socially. I have my ups and downs and I have a hard time finding a relationship that would be worthwhile. But I have faith that God will help me with what I need and I believe the medicines and treatment for schizophrenia will get better. My medicine’s side effects are endurable today and life is good. Thank God. I hope that my story helps one or more of you out there. May God bless. Thank you.
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