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Everyone its dr. Romani and welcome back to this sort of mini series on family family rolls. I put this series together because many of you who grew up in family systems.
Recognize that yes you did play a role in that system was given to you and that role was something that might have kept you safe or sane. But sadly in all cases. These family roles were often designed to ensure that the narcissistic parent usually got their narcissistic supply.
The struggle with these family roles is they often follow you into adulthood and can not only be the role you continue to play in your family. But also can impact the kinds of roles. You take in other adult relationships.
The more you can understand these the more you can sort of try to crack out of them break out of them and not be so defined by your early years and the roles you had in your family system today. Were going to be taking on a very interesting family role called the truth teller as you watch this video and as we get to the end of it i want you to pay attention. Because if you feel like you were one of the truth tellers out there drop it in the comments.
Its always really wonderful for this whole community to see what roles you found yourself in and so to see what how that affected you. But if youre a truth teller let us know. But youre gonna have to listen to figure out if you were one and as always if youre enjoying this content and you havent already please hit that subscribe button join us on this really robust and ever growing community on youtube.
So lets talk about the truth teller. There is always a child in every family system who gets it i know i have to tell you this is the person who gets it whether its a narcissistic family system or not they just get it. The challenge is in a narcissistic family system getting it seeing everything clearly is almost a dangerous thing to be the truth teller is the child like i said who gets it who sees it whether they say it or not they often do say it the way kids do its largely from a naive perspective of simply telling the truth.
And thats whats so beautiful about kids for example a kid might say you know mom it seems like dad gets mad. Whenever he has a bad day at work or mom sure doesnt like it when people dont think shes smart bless their hearts. Its the truth and the challenge is narcissus hate.
When anybody calls them out on their truth. Whether it is an adult. Calling calling them out or a child.
Calling them out for a narcissist being called out induces shame and then rage. But children are fantastic. I love kids kids are fantastic for so.
Many reasons and i have to say their ability to be the one to call out the emperor for not wearing any clothes is foremost amongst their virtues for those of you who dont remember the story remember it was that story where the child who finally called out the very vain and narcissistic emperor who was actually naked. But thought he looked great wearing great clothes and all the enabling citizens of the land just stared quizzically at the naked emperor or told him he looked great. While it was a kid who pointed at him and said blow that dudes not wearing any clothes.
The truth teller will usually have their truth. Telling silenced before long the truth. Teller will come to understand as a child that calling a narcissistic parent or sibling.
Or other family. Member. Out is potentially a disaster.
So over time they may keep their truth to themselves in fact by dint of them being a truth teller. They also run the risk of becoming the scapegoat really fast with age and time the truth teller will often become the sort of proverbial black sheep.
Often the one who sees the family dynamic with clarity. Even though a child obviously wouldnt typically not know the word narcissist. They know something mate right they will witness the triangulation the enabling the gas lighting.
The codependency. The trauma bonding and even without any of that vocabulary that truth telling child knows all of its wrong. The truth.
Teller is the child who is biding their time often waiting for the chance to get out of this dysfunctional system. The truth teller child may also have a very rich inner world in which through play or storytelling or through some. Other means well either make up stories in their heads about escaping.
They may as kids dream of living in faraway places of traveling of building. A spaceship of digging to another dimension of reading books and of watching movies about faraway places. Think about all the kids movies out there about a kid escaping dysfunction and through their imagination.
Those kids will try and figure out a way of getting out. And i have worked with young adult truth tellers who did everything from join the military or take teaching positions that would put them on the other side of the earth just to get as far away from home as possible being a truth teller is really tough because. The parents and other family members will sort of sense.
The danger of the truth teller an attempt to shut them down beyond just scapegoating. The truth teller. The truth teller may also experience isolation flying monkeys for example other extended family members telling the truth teller that theyre being disrespectful for thinking what theyre thinking or saying.
What theyre saying that theyre biting the hand that feeds them that they are not respecting. Their elders that they are insolent all those flying monkey. Things that they do to sort of shut that truth teller down and interestingly the truth teller does not always need to speak.
Theres something really interesting about them. Its clear just on their little faces that they get it and they see it in adult narcissistic. Relationships.
Its interesting. Because narcissus have an uncanny ability to detect when someone in the room sees into their insecure core. They tend to avoid these people narcissus will avoid truth tellers when they can truth tellers can become those people again.
Who have this unbelievable ability to see into their core and truth tellers literally have that ability from childhood again. Its very uncanny. Its very interesting and its quite special its a journey that goes in a different few different ways for the truth teller in some cases especially if the truth.
Telling child is resilient and resilient to whats happening to them they are theyll be relative loners in their family system they learn how to take sort of a proverbial psychological punch. These are the kids who will create their own inner rich worlds. Whether theyre imaginary creative.
Theyll participate in the arts music be very good at school engage in sports. Spend time outside. They allow the fantasy world of escape to proliferate and they will slowly figure out a way to make that story narrative fantasy happen they find a way to sequester themselves from the madness.
Thats happening around them. However there are also truth telling kids who may not have had the opportunity to develop that same level of resilience for them there is a significant risk of mental health issues depression anxiety social isolation difficulties with concentration and school performance and because no one is going to throw the truth.
Telling child. Any help in a narcissistic family system that truth telling child struggles may literally go unnoticed. Except maybe by people in their schools like their teachers.
And then if those concerns are reported to the family. The family is going to do nothing to help that truth telling child anyhow because truth tellers do so often grow up in narcissistic families. Not always.
But typically despite their wisdom they too can be plagued with anxiety regardless of their resilience. Whether that child is raziel not anxiety is a big part of a truth tellers life. So although they know that the best path out of this of this situation is to get out and go far away.
They sometimes lack the self confidence and sense of self worth to activate their rather excellent plan of getting out. They just dont believe in themselves enough to do it as truth tellers get older. They are more likely to become estranged distanced and move away from the family system.
And it may be an all or nothing sacrifice they may actually have siblings for example of whom they are very fond or other family members that they really like but recognize that to stay for those other family members if they stay close to the truth teller those other family members may also have to become isolated along with the truth teller and those other family members may not be willing to do that thats obviously quite devastating for the truth teller in the system like i said. Its all or nothing. They may feel like they have to lose everyone just to get distance from the toxic situation of all the family roles.
Despite the potentially devastating impacts. This is not such a bad family role its sort of like having psychological extrasensory perception that they can see a toxic cycle and not actively or even that passively enable it most adults never get to the truth telling place so its absolutely extraordinary when a child is able to get it over time as the truth teller gets older. They are often regarded by their narcissistic family members with a combination of contempt.
And fear. This combination can actually keep the narcissistic family members at arms length from the truth. Teller and allow the truth teller to not be as enmeshed with in a toxic family system.
Which obviously is good for the truth teller. But obviously. Theres a different side to this theres a loneliness to this because the truth.
Telling child at an early age has to grasp the reality that significant players in their lives people who are supposed to keep them safe and love them on conditionally didnt and that recognition is painful whether or not youre a truth. Telling child. Yeah.
There is a freedom and a wisdom to being the truth teller. But there is also a permanent sort of sense of grief that can pervade the person who is the truth teller the recognition of not having a safe space of feeling like you dont really have a family and that kind of loneliness and isolation can obviously very devastatingly and potentially impact adult relationships. The truth teller to me is incredibly intriguing.
Especially when ive seen in kids. And because i dont work with children clinically when ive seen truth. Telling kids.
Its actually been more anecdotally. Ive seen it in people close to me like ive know or people. Knowing.
People who have narcissistic spouses and watch their child and maher is a theres a quietness about these kids. There is a deliberation and how they move theyre very circumspect in a strange way for a little kid.
Theyre often very mindful theyre very wide eyed they take in everything going on around them. And its almost like you can hear their wheels turning i find them quite intriguing when ive had the rare opportunities to observe them theyre often quite bright you know they may not be school smart. But theres just something smart about them you know whatever i mean i dont beliefs.
I think schools wont put only a small part of smart smart can be that you can take apart. An engine smart can be that you can make a beautiful painting smart can be that you can whip up a hell of a dinner. I mean smart smart.
Its obviously different these kids are often like they have this cleverness that they may or may not share. But it is painful also to watch how the truth teller does learn to slowly silence themselves and again. When i say that they get it.
But the truth teller really sees his face just more than anything. See this isnt okay. This is not okay to gas light.
Its not okay to invalidate. Its not okay to treat my siblings this way. Its not okay to treat me or my other parents or other people or the guy at the gas station.
Its not okay and again you see that kid wide eyed taking it all and truth tellers can often go on to do some great things in fact one thing. Truth. Tellers can often do quite well as go into healing professions for example you can become good therapists.
Because theyre willing to call things out they tend not so much to even be enablers when they grow up they really are willing to call things out. And its its sort of brave and again lonely to be a truth teller because you keep calling people out i dont even care if its just your family. If youre willing to call out call people out in the workplace.
If youre willing to call people out in friend groups. If youre willing to call out people in your community trust. Me sometimes people get uncomfortable with that you know that and there are the people who are often on the outs.
So in truth tellers. Youre often also find some really cool stuff. Some interesting entrepreneurs who say you know what im gonna just run myself a healthy shop.
Myself. Im gonna do what i want the way that it feels good to me because i dont want to participate in toxic structured toxic cultures and in in that way i dont like calling truth tellers loners. I think theres a real negative connotation around loners.
I think truth tellers become very comfortable in their own solitude because i think its there they find a sort of comfortable kind of peace. So to you truth tellers out there let us know who you are do you get it drop. It here am.
I honest if youre a truth. Tell you dont even need to watch this challenge probably get it better than i do frankly but drop it down there tell us for your truth teller. Tell us.
If you had other roles from being a truth teller and how that plays out in adulthood as always thank you again. I hope to continue being at least in modern times youre a truth teller as always i appreciate your willingness to participate in this content and hope that in some ways its lightening your burden thanks again bye. .
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